I stuggle with patience. With everything, everyone. I don't know why this is such a stuggle of mine. I also stuggle with submission. In the last few months I have been learning more about these things, and how much I really struggle with them.
I want a baby. I want a baby really badly. I know I already have two beautiful, healthy children. I love them sooo much, and it is not that they aren't enough. It doesn't make sense to me why I want another child so badly, but I do. In the same way I wanted my sweet Conner and my precious Parker.
A couple of months ago I found out that I was pregnant. At the same time I found out I was pregnant I found out that I miscarried. This was after a week of wondering and hoping and thinking that I was pregnant. The night before the doctor said they'd call me and "let me know" I started my period. So, I knew I wasn't pregnant. Somehow I was ok with it. I know that everything brings glory to God. I also know that God doesn't cause things like this to happen. I don't fully understand the "will of God." I don't mean I don't understand why things happen they way they do... I don't guess anyone really knows why things happen the way they do. I mean that I don't understand the workings of the will of God... Like, I know that God doesn't make things happen like miscarriages, babies dying, cancer of loved ones. But I think (maybe I'm wrong) that everything that happens is in God's will? I don't know... Anyhow when I started my period I was not that sad, because I feel like yes, this will glorify God, in some way. Also I don't like to fight things like this happening in my life, because I feel (probably without any sense) that if I fight it I am fighting God's will. I am SOOO afraid of being out of God's will. So, I would much rather have had that miscarriage than have had that baby outside of God's will. Is it even God's will? I don't know. I also really don't know if all this makes sense outside of my crazy brain. Sorry for wasting your time if it didn't. And wow, that was a lot of "God's wills!"
So... for patience and submission to God's perfect plan I pray. That I can be patient for God to reveal Himself in this situation, not the miscarriage, but the waiting. Also that I can be submissive and trusting that God's plan is in fact perfect like I said earlier. That I can know that if I ever have another baby it will be at a time that is perfect to glorify Him. To know that if I never have another baby, or if I have 10 more miscarriages that His glory is upmost.
Ok, well that is what is going on with me.
