a very much needed revelation!

I have to start this post out with a recap on last nights events...
Darin was out of town (of course) and the boys took a late nap... which meant that we could go to the late service at church and get away with it (normally we can't, because by the time it gets out it is way past the boys bedtime, and they are cranky and it just isn't good). So, we went to the 7. That was fine. We left church at almost 8:30... came straight home and got ready for bed. On the way home Parker threw a MASSIVE fit that I could do nothing to calm him down. So, he lost the privilege to read and sing with Conner and I before bedtime. So when we got home I got him ready, prayed with him and put him in his bed. Then I went and read and sang and prayed with Conner and put him in his bed. I won't put all the details on here... because there are TWO HOURS of details... but the boys did not fall asleep until 11 o'clock. Conner probably would have if it wasn't for Parkers incessant screaming. I tried everything to get Parker to stop. Everything minus staying in his room with him, or letting him come out. These are two habits I WILL NOT get into. So, he finally zonked out at 11 pm. Right about the time the littlest bit of my sanity flew out of the window. I was soooooo frustrated. I cried, I prayed (not just at the end but through the whole thing) and then finally I cried myself to sleep... just a little bit quieter than he did.
Then this morning when I woke up to Parker climbing in my bed at 5:30 I was just as frustrated. Well, I started off not being that frustrated, but after I took him back to his room and he started screaming the frustration quickly crept up. So again, I cried, prayed, felt like cursing, and even justified my curses in my head (funny the things you do when its early morning and you don't have to be up)... And at 7 am he fell back asleep... after a whole bunch more crying and screaming. After all that I prayed some more and fell back asleep.
My prayer in these types of situations is that 1. God would PALEASE get this kid back to sleep and allow me to sleep also. 2. that I would have the patience I need to get through this situation. 3. that the next day I would have the patience to deal with life with my lack of sleep.
Well, Conner woke up at 7:15, which was just barely after I fell back asleep after all the Parker drama... Thankfully he was pretty quiet and let me sleep until Parker woke up at 8:30.
So... all that to say and this morning I was grouchy. I was angry with this two year old little boy who I wanted to both hug and kiss and tell him how much I love him (because I couldn't do all that while he was screaming to get his way) and I wanted to yell at him and tell him that he CANNOT DO THAT AGAIN! I did hug and kiss him, but I didn't yell at him. I did have a serious talk with him and told him he wasn't allowed to play with his precious cars today. At all, due to his poor behavior.
Ok, I really wrote a lot just now... and I will finally get to my point. The boys are taking a nap (I must say this time it was a breeze getting them down to sleep- usually not so), and I sat down to do my bible study. Right now I am doing a study on idols... named "No Other Gods" by Kelly Minter. Click here for more information. side note I really like the study and would totally recommend it. Anyway, today's lesson was about Abraham and Isaac. We have already studied them in this particular study... but we revisited the story today to look for God's provision. I guess I already knew that a major takeaway point in the story was that God provided the ram for Abraham... so that he would not have to sacrifice Isaac like he first thought. But something that the author of the study pointed out (through both these passages Genesis 22 1-19 and Hebrews 11:17-19) was that Abraham expected the Lord to provide. He expected that the Lord would provide in a way that was different than what actually happened, but regardless he expected Him to provide. Abraham knew that God was capable of bringing Isaac back from the dead, so in Genesis 22:5 he told his servants to wait there while he and the boy went and worshipped and then they would come back. In Hebrews it is said that Abraham knew that God said that through Isaac his offspring would be reckoned. So, he knew that God had promised him offspring through Isaac so he knew that Isaac would have to live. So he trusted that God would provide. He had to.
My revelation?
I am constantly praying for more patience (this I think is my biggest struggle). I know by now that this is not something I will obtain on my own. I have tried and tried again and continue to try with no avail... So I know it can come from God alone. However I am never expecting the provision. Like I said, I know it can come from God, the problem is that I don't believe it will come from God. So I get more and more frustrated as the time passes. My trust for God's provision is not there. I am not saying I figured out my problem... I just know now a little better of what my problem actually is.
In case you are wondering... to tie this into our study (which is about idols) we so often look for the provision through an idol. Like sleep... "if only Parker and I would sleep, tomorrow I would have more patience." I know that sounds sort of silly for sleep to be an idol, but I am learning (the very difficult way) that I have idols I didn't even think could be idols. Things I trust in more than I trust in God.
Anyway, just wanted to journal this revelation more than anything... sorry if it was boring.